How does psychotherapy work? There’s no simple answer because there are multiple interacting factors. However, something crops up again and again across myriad therapeutic approaches; the capacity to be with an experience rather than being engulfed in it.

I’ll use my Experiential Iceberg model to illustrate how this works. The Experiential Iceberg is a simple but powerful representation of the bodymind. It shows our everyday awareness at the tip of the iceberg, and directly below, our gut feelings. How aware of these feelings we are tends to vary for each of us and in different circumstances.

Let’s zoom in on how awareness looks when you’re feeling anxious, depressed or distressed. The first thing to notice is that awareness is stuck at the tip of the iceberg, which is only a tiny part of the bodymind.

Anxiety or depression can feel tight or contracted, and in the diagram, the space at the Iceberg’s tip is quite cramped. You’ll notice that gut feelings are leaking in, but the direction is only one way. All these feelings are coming into awareness, but there’s nowhere for them to go; they circle around in this contracted space.

If there’s someone you can talk to about these feelings, the space of awareness tends to expand. Instead of having these feelings – and the thoughts they inevitably prompt – circling your mind, there’s an outlet. Hearing yourself say something can be surprisingly transformative. Sometimes, you hear yourself say something you didn’t realise you knew! The space of awareness expands when you voice your unspoken thoughts and hear their truth. The expanded space provided by being able to express yourself is the start of being with your feelings and thoughts instead of being caught up in them.

This capacity to be with your experience is essential, and different approaches to therapy offer different tools to help develop that ability. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which draws on mindfulness, teaches a strategy called ‘cognitive defusion’. This technique teaches you how to get some distance from thoughts and emotions. Instead of your sense of self being fused with an unhelpful thought, cognitive defusion expands your awareness so that there’s more space. This lets you notice what you’re experiencing and changes how you relate to it.

Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin, who teach Focusing, recommend a different way to open up some space. Let’s imagine someone said something that’s upset you. If I asked you how you felt about it, you might say: “I feel really frustrated by what she said”.

Let’s try an alternative:
“Something in me feels really frustrated by what she said”.

Does that feel different? Instead of identifying with your emotions, which often means they overwhelm you, this helps you be with your feelings. You can learn to be present, in the moment and in relationship with your feelings. Remember; you are more than your feelings. You can be with your feelings and not get taken over by them.

To sum up, when we’re stressed or anxious, our experience is stuck at the tip of the Experiential Iceberg. Although we’re not paying attention to the ‘gut feelings’ hovering under the wavy line, they’re still having a significant impact on how we feel and act. When we’re in this state of mind, we’re likely to react rather than respond. The Iceberg tip is quite a tight space, and our awareness tends to get caught up with our experience. There isn’t room to find space between me and my experience. The iceberg tip is a place of contraction that breeds a sense of urgency, but when we open a little to what I call the ‘Deep Body’, we slow down and feel more spacious.

I’ve picked two techniques from quite different therapeutic approaches that can help you find more space in your bodymind. They are an excellent start, but your awareness can expand much more. The first step is to move a little way down the Experiential Iceberg and sense into those mysterious gut feelings. If you choose to drop your awareness further into the Deep Body, then wonders await; healing, spiritual growth and altered states.

The journey begins and ends with greater awareness: How far you decide to travel is up to you.